I feel like I just got out of a Ludovico Technique session that involved watching the Jaret Leto-infected-arm in Requiem for a Dream on repeat for four hours.
I feel like I just polished off a handle of El Toro with all the lovely nausea and none of them sexy party-ness.
I feel like I got my beans caught above my frank.
Why you ask? At 3:58 PM Eastern Time Sunday I, this is too funny, really. I put in Derrick Ward for, you're just going to die laughing. So I subbed in Derrick Ward for, get this, the running back for the Atlanta Falcons, Michael Turner.
Now if you don't know who Turner is, let me refresh your memory. He plays for the Falcons, which I already told you 20 or so words ago. But he's also been my sort of muse this season. I bet with a buddy of mine in early September that Turner would outperform L.T. this season. I also drafted Turner on most of my Fantasy teams. I've talked him up to anybody with a pulse and an inkling of interest in Fantasy football, regular football, me playing Fantasy football, the Falcons, the city of Atlanta, the city of San Diego, people named Michael, people named Turner, Northern Illinois alums, people in the MAC, people nicknamed Burner, my parents and just about anybody that comes within a 3-foot radius of my work desk.
So benching Turner wasn't easy. But I'm in a PPR league and I figured Turner would be good for 85 yards and a score vs. the Panthers. I kinda, and this is what's just hilarious, thought Ward was good for a Mewelde Moore-like 160 combined yards and two scores. Oh, how bright my prospects looked at 4 PM ET.
For those who don't follow the NFL, or were out doing something less stressful -- like fishing for Opilios on the Bering Strait -- than watching their Fantasy football team, Turner sort of, well, blew up.
This is the point of the story where I smash my hand against the keyboard a few times to express my happiness for the lad.
You see, this was one of those weeks (let's call it Week 11 for fun), this was one of those leagues (let's call it a big-money league for laughs) and this was the sort of situation (let's call it must-win for chuckles) where I needed to be whatever the Fantasy football equivalent of Bill Belichick is. It's probably Stu in accounting for all I know.
So I thought, "Derrick Ward can be THAT guy, the one where everybody goes, 'how did he know to put Derrick Ward in OVER Michael Turner?'"
Instead I'm THAT guy. The one who left a net of 20 points on his bench.
The story goes on to talk about how I eventually lost, fended off morbid thoughts and mustered enough energy to show up to work the next day. But in the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you remember me for the person who thought highly enough of Michael Turner to bet a bottle of scotch on him outperforming the best running back of the 21st century and not the schmuck who sat him down the week he erupted for four touchdowns.
The following event happened just as I finished writing the word "touchdowns:"
Hmm, a text message on my Blackberry. Who could it be from? Ah, it's ESPN. It appears to be Fantasy football related. Let's click on it to find out more information.
"Falcons RB Michael Turner rushed for 4 TDs; finished with 117 yards on 24 carries in win over Panthers. Watch Matt Berry on FFNow, Sun 12 PM ET" Anybody got a copy of Requiem for me?
Michael Turner vs. LT
100-yard games | Rushing yards | Total touchdowns
Michael Turner: 5 100-yard games | 1088 yards | 13 touchdowns
LaDainian Tomlinson: 2 100-yard games | 770 yards | 6 touchdowns
Esquire Toledo texted me last night:
"I'll be in Fort Myers in three weeks so drive across Alligator Alley and get your stinkin' scotch"
I consider that a concession speech.
On to the best CBSSports.com blogs ... around
They still have one game left (vs. Cal), but the Washington Huskies are this season's winner of The Not So Top 10's National Chumpionship Trophy. The Greek Speaks explains, and offers a tip of the hat to the always classy Notre Dame fans.
With no Plax and no Earth, Eli Manning and Domenik Hixon power the Giants offensively vs. the Cardinals. The Blue Streak breaks down the impressive win in the desert. But it may not be as impressive as the Jets win, which establishes them as serious contenders in the AFC, according to One New York Fan's Opinion.
How does Dirk Nowitzki as a Bull sound? Maybe his Olympic teammate Chris Kaman? What about superstar Chris Bosh? Cliff Notes breaks down some potential trade options for Chicago.
Why is USC ranked above Oregon State? Why is Ball State ranked so high? And how would Ole Miss fare with BYU's schedule. Just some of the headscratchers that have The Bong Zone ranting on college football.
Klick of the Day