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Edited on: October 6, 2009 5:45 pm
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Posted on: November 23, 2008 7:43 pm
Edited on: November 24, 2008 6:30 pm

I made a horrible Fantasy football mistake

I feel nauseous as I type this right now. Legitimately sick to the stomach.

I feel like I just got out of a Ludovico Technique session that involved watching the Jaret Leto-infected-arm in Requiem for a Dream on repeat for four hours.

I feel like I just polished off a handle of El Toro with all the lovely nausea and none of them sexy party-ness.

I feel like I got my beans caught above my frank.

Why you ask? At 3:58 PM Eastern Time Sunday I, this is too funny, really. I put in Derrick Ward for, you're just going to die laughing. So I subbed in Derrick Ward for, get this, the running back for the Atlanta Falcons, Michael Turner.

Now if you don't know who Turner is, let me refresh your memory. He plays for the Falcons, which I already told you 20 or so words ago. But he's also been my sort of muse this season. I bet with a buddy of mine in early September that Turner would outperform L.T. this season. I also drafted Turner on most of my Fantasy teams. I've talked him up to anybody with a pulse and an inkling of interest in Fantasy football, regular football, me playing Fantasy football, the Falcons, the city of Atlanta, the city of San Diego, people named Michael, people named Turner, Northern Illinois alums, people in the MAC, people nicknamed Burner, my parents and just about anybody that comes within a 3-foot radius of my work desk.

So benching Turner wasn't easy. But I'm in a PPR league and I figured Turner would be good for 85 yards and a score vs. the Panthers. I kinda, and this is what's just hilarious, thought Ward was good for a Mewelde Moore-like 160 combined yards and two scores. Oh, how bright my prospects looked at 4 PM ET.

For those who don't follow the NFL, or were out doing something less stressful -- like fishing for Opilios on the Bering Strait -- than watching their Fantasy football team, Turner sort of, well, blew up.

This is the point of the story where I smash my hand against the keyboard a few times to express my happiness for the lad.

You see, this was one of those weeks (let's call it Week 11 for fun), this was one of those leagues (let's call it a big-money league for laughs) and this was the sort of situation (let's call it must-win for chuckles) where I needed to be whatever the Fantasy football equivalent of Bill Belichick is. It's probably Stu in accounting for all I know.

So I thought, "Derrick Ward can be THAT guy, the one where everybody goes, 'how did he know to put Derrick Ward in OVER Michael Turner?'"

Instead I'm THAT guy. The one who left a net of 20 points on his bench.

The story goes on to talk about how I eventually lost, fended off morbid thoughts and mustered enough energy to show up to work the next day. But in the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you remember me for the person who thought highly enough of Michael Turner to bet a bottle of scotch on him outperforming the best running back of the 21st century and not the schmuck who sat him down the week he erupted for four touchdowns.

The following event happened just as I finished writing the word "touchdowns:"

Hmm, a text message on my Blackberry. Who could it be from? Ah, it's ESPN. It appears to be Fantasy football related. Let's click on it to find out more information.

"Falcons RB Michael Turner rushed for 4 TDs; finished with 117 yards on 24 carries in win over Panthers. Watch Matt Berry on FFNow, Sun 12 PM ET" Anybody got a copy of Requiem for me?
Michael Turner vs. LT

                               100-yard games | Rushing yards | Total touchdowns
Michael Turner:
         5 100-yard games | 1088 yards | 13 touchdowns
LaDainian Tomlinson: 2 100-yard games | 770 yards | 6 touchdowns

Esquire Toledo texted me last night:

"I'll be in Fort Myers in three weeks so drive across Alligator Alley and get your stinkin' scotch"


I consider that a concession speech.
On to the best CBSSports.com blogs ... around 

They still have one game left (vs. Cal), but the Washington Huskies are this season's winner of The Not So Top 10's National Chumpionship Trophy. The Greek Speaks explains, and offers a tip of the hat to the always classy Notre Dame fans.

With no Plax and no Earth, Eli Manning and Domenik Hixon power the Giants offensively vs. the Cardinals. The Blue Streak breaks down the impressive win in the desert. But it may not be as impressive as the Jets win, which establishes them as serious contenders in the AFC, according to One New York Fan's Opinion.

How does Dirk Nowitzki as a Bull sound? Maybe his Olympic teammate Chris Kaman? What about superstar Chris Bosh? Cliff Notes breaks down some potential trade options for Chicago.

Why is USC ranked above Oregon State? Why is Ball State ranked so high? And how would Ole Miss fare with BYU's schedule. Just some of the headscratchers that have The Bong Zone ranting on college football.

Klick of the Day 

I can't get this song out of my head!

Posted on: November 10, 2008 12:33 pm
Edited on: November 10, 2008 12:46 pm

Jumping to weird conclusions with Big Blue

There's talk about how the Giants are the best team in the NFC.

There's talk about how the Giants are the best team in football. Brandon Jacobs

Both maybe true. But the one thing that is fo-sho, is that the Giants are the best team when it comes to leaping over defenders.

(Eric, I didn't realize that was an accomplishment worthy of praise?)

It sure is. Particularly when two of the biggest offensive skill players for the Giants are doing it.

Kevin Boss, he of 253 pounds, caught a pass in the second half from Eli Manning turned with the ball and saw 206-pound Quintin Mikell.

This is an opportunity 999 out of 1,000 tight ends would use to crush a man 50 pounds lighter. Just ask former Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey what he would do.

But no, Boss turned with the ball and hurdled the tackle-attempting, six-year, former Boise State product. And he did it cleanly. Mikell's helmet didn't appear to graze any part of Boss's legs or groin, meaning Boss elevated upwards of 4-to-5 feet off the ground.


But then I come to work, pop open the Giants-Eagles recap and the lead photo is of Brandon Jacobs jumping over another Eagles defensive back, all 5-10, 185 pounds of Asante Samuel. How I missed this during the game, I don’t know, but Brandon Jacobs weighs 79 pounds more than Samuel and is 6 inches taller. Again, primo opportunity to knock the snot out of an Eagles defensive back.

But no. The Giants, a team that's mastered the mechanics of run blocking and pass rushing, is now devoting energy to tackling the laws of physics. That’s the sign of a championship contender, my friends.

(Enter "leapfrogging over competition" line in t-minus 5, 4, 3...)

While the Giants leapfrog the competition figuratively and now, literally, it's important to note that the leapfrog isn't a precursor to any sort of success.

(When was that correlation EVER made?!)

Just ask how Knowshon Moreno how his Bulldogs fared after his famous Chippewa Churdle.

On to the best CBSSports.com blogs ... around 

College Football Today is a Ball State fan. Being from the MAC I empathize with his self doubt about the Cardinals and tough-love approach.

The Colts marched into Heinz Field and stunned the Steelers. In Love with the Game, Mom's View (who I owe my wonderful avatar to) says it was the Indy defense that made the difference...

...And that difference may mean the end of any AFC North title hopes for the Steelers, From the Eyes of Jelly Donut reports.

The great state of Washington features the top two schools in The Greek Speaks Not So Top 10. Also making an appearance this week: the now non-bowl-eligible Vols.

Klick fo the Day 

Fun with censorship and Sesame Street

Posted on: August 27, 2008 12:31 pm
Edited on: August 27, 2008 12:36 pm

Alpha Blog: Chiefs Lemon Law Jay Feely

Signed on Monday, released on Tuesday.

Neil Patrick Harris as BarneyI've only seen one episode of How I Met Your Mother (on an United flight last week), so maybe this makes sense, or maybe it doesn't, but say it with me: Lemon Law.

Jay Feely got hit with the Lemon Law (7:45 mark). Here's Wikipedia's take on Barney's Lemon Law:

"Similar in nature to lemon laws for used cars, Barney's new lemon law for dating gives a person 5 minutes to decide if the date will go on the rest of the night or not. They can call the date off for any reason in the first 5 minutes, avoiding bad dates."

According to the Kansas City Star, the Chiefs brought in Feely to light a fire under their tandem of young kickers, Nick "The Kick" Novak and Connor Barth.

"On signing Feely, the Chiefs told Novak and Barth that the two best kickers from the two days of competition would survive until Thursday’s game."

In other words, bringing in Feely served little more than to light a fire under Barth's and Novak's tushies. Jay Feely

It worked. In the trio's kickoff Monday, Barth made 28 of 30 kicks and Novak made 27 of 30. Feely pushed through 23 of 30. To add insult to injury, Barth drilled all 15 of his kicks on Tuesday. By Tuesday's (appropriately named) annual kickoff luncheon, Feely was booted off the team.

Feely's (travel?) agent is understandably pissed off for shuttling his prized kicker out to Kansas City for a night.

"Had we known he wasn’t even going to get that chance, we never would have signed with the Chiefs," said agent Glenn Schwartzman.

In other words: Nobody Lemon Laws Jay. Luckily for Feely, one of his old flames, New York, may be looking for a kicker. Lawrence Tynes' twisted knee won't untwist and Josh Huston can't seem to out-kick Angelica.

On to the best blogs ... around  

You say Rooney, I say Mickey. I say Rooney, In Love with the Game, Mom's View says Dan. Or maybe Art. Or maybe Steelers. I say Druckenmiller, In Love with the Game, Mom's View sings, "tradition!"

I'd imagine losing to the Nationals stings, but you know what really has My Two Cents For What Its Worth demoralized? The lack of faith in Dodgers' community members.

The Mets have needs. Ball till you Fall says a closer, maybe Brian Fuentes or Brandon Lyon could fill the team's biggest need.

Baseball elects to have instant replay on home run calls. Under the Influence of Giants hates it, citing nostalgia for the "human element of sport." I say if leagues are going to have rules books as thick as telephone books, why not enforce it the best way possible -- with the help of technology. Tennis does it beautifully.

Klick of the Day

South Florida had local elections yesterday, and this guy ran for something.

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com